Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize