Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
