happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
