I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
