Four minutes until I can fart!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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