I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
