I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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