The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
