i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
