Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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