Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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