I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I looked at my own cervix.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
