The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
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Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
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If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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