this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
