Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We have started to decorate penises.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
