It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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