70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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