Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
