so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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