What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
