i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
