Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You can't just leave with hair like that
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
