The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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