ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
