I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
