I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
