The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
