Apparently you make a good broom.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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