dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
