I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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