I can tuck mytits in my pants
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
