I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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