Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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