nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
