On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
