Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
