dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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