I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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