3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
