This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
