I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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