Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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