You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
