did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
