her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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