Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
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He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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