Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
