You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
