one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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