just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
