this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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