I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
