Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize