its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
