LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
