I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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