i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
