I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
