whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just had sex on a roof
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
