We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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