I accidentally had phone sex last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
