I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
