wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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