i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
