oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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